Thirty Seven Years

Birthday Cake - CandlesI turn 37 today. How did that happen?

Age is just a number, I realize. I fully believed that until recently:

  • Just over a month ago, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia
  • My husband used the words, "skunk stripe" when I asked him how my hair looked in the back. 
  • I've been a mother OVER half my life.
  • My medicine container needs to be upgraded to the 3x-a-day model. 
Aside from some body aches and a few [hundred] grey hairs probably caused from my children, my mind can't wrap around the fact that I have lived for Thirty.Seven.Years. 

My eighteen-year-old self, a new mother, would not have predicted my life as I sit now. I have not accomplished anything.*

 Not. A. Single. Thing.** 

I am getting a little long in the tooth, as my husband would say, to go back and fix/finish some things now. The truth of the matter is not so much that I haven't accomplished anything, it's the fact that I really don't know what I want. At the age of 37, I still don't know what makes me, me.

I am surrounded by amazing, successful, and confident people. Some are younger, some older. Some are exactly the same age. I am jealous that they were able to figure out what they were meant to do and go for it. Jealous may not be the right word; it's not a green-eyed monster kind of jealousy. More of a sadness that I can't have the same success. 

I've been fortunate to have pursued a variety of avenues. While most I enjoyed, and in the moment thought it was what I was meant to do forever, nothing has stuck. 

As the children have grown, I've tried to be a good example for them. I've even tried to encourage them to go for the things that they want, not because society or even their dad and I expect it, but to do the things that will make them happy. Of course, being children, they don't want to listen to the old lady. They know everything already. 

Some things never change. 

At any rate, I did name this blog "Cool and Hip, I Am Not" in 2008 when I started it. Maybe I have unconsciously been trying to fulfill that label. Or not fill. Whatever. 

Today's my birthday. And I'll cry if I want to.  

* I know I have three kids. Still have a few years to go before the final results come in on how well we did raising them. 

**Again, I know. Three kids who are awesome at the current moment. But I am whining talking about other things. My professional life beyond motherhood.

1 comment:

Sara Vaz said...

Baz Luhrmann said it best: "Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t." 

We're just going to be more interesting than the general population!

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