So, in my infinite wisdom, or lack there of, I decided to let my concerns over Nicholas fly. Big Daddy seemed to think that it was a passing phase as well, using the examples of other students I had mentioned in his defense.
Occasionally, thoughts about my depression would seep into my mind. Wonderings of what the kids would say when they grew up when it came to their individual childhoods....
"Sometimes Mom would lay on the couch, in the dark, just watching TV. We knew not to bother her if the blinds were closed."
"Dad always called her on his way home from work. I thought that he just loved her and missed her. Once I heard him say that he was trying to get a feel of what he was walking into."
"She never had time to play. She was always cleaning something."
"She hated going to places where there were a lot of people. We missed a lot of fun stuff because she was afraid. Either to take us alone, or just being too overwhelmed."
The last year seemed to be okay. I hadn't seen anything that warrented a call to a child psychiatrist.
Or maybe I was so caught up in my own personal drama, I missed the signs.
Then, just when things were going great, Nicholas made his comment. "You always have a nervous breakdown."He is right. I do have problems in crowds. I have medication to help deal with the anxiety, but I don't like to take it. Not to mention that it is habit- forming.
So, what is worse, a mother that is dependent on pills, or can't leave the house without worrying about a crowd?
It wasn't so much the comment that Nicholas made, even though the wording was a bit exaggerated, but the way he said it that really stabbed my heart.
For the last week, I have been working on my anxiety. Especially this last weekend.
I am certain that isn't the end of the story. All, I know is that I am more determined than ever to break the rules. Mental illness doesn't have to break-up the family. Just this once, I am going to break the rules.