Jen Lancaster May Improve My Neighborhood

I accidentally discovered a new author based solely upon her opening line:

'Nothing Feels As Good As Thin Feels'- A Weight Watchers Axiom
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'Weight Watchers can kiss the fattest part of my @$$' - A Jen Lancaster Axiom

Upon reading that page, I felt an immediate kinship and hoped that we were long-lost sisters separated before our memories started.

In this book, Such a Pretty Fat, Jen talks about sending a letter to her neighbor under the guise as the president of the Homeowners Association. I won't disclose the exact details here as to whom she wrote and why, because I want you to buy and read Jen's book(s) so that she will continue to receive royalty checks, keep writing, and realize that perhaps I helped in the cause, find my blog, and contact me so that we can have our Lifetime family reunion moment in a Chicago airport and then immediately take off for a fabulous lunch at Olive Garden. Or maybe she'll just tweet me.

I just hope my other BFF, Jennifer Weiner, doesn't feel jealous or hurt. I still love her, too.

Not my house. Obviously.**

Later the same afternoon I read about the fake-yet-effective letter to the neighbor, I was pulling out the of driveway and my eyes immediately went to the algae/moss crap that needs to be power-washed off the side of the north side of our white house and white picket fence.* Granted, I should probably call someone and get them out here to get the house washed, but the exterior of the house is supposed to be Manland and is out of my jurisdiction.

I wished "I" could send a letter to us when I needed/wanted things to get done outside....

"Honey, look what came in the mail today. Can you believe that Becausewesaidso Homeowners Association said that we are violating Article x, section 2 of the bylaws? 'Pull the weeds that have grown up around your dead riding lawnmower.' I mean, who do they think they are? I tried to call and reason with them, but it looks like our hands are tied. We wouldn't want to be in violation and be subject to fines up $100 per incidence."

But then I remembered; we were fake-homeowner association-lettered when we first moved into this house.(This was orginally posted in the now defunct AOL Journals June 16, 2006 It has been revised for content, a couple of grammatical errors, and to fit your screen. )

Darrin brings me the mail. I am talking on the phone to my mom. Amungst the community paper, coupons and bills, is a letter. It's addressed to  (Name of subdivision) Neighbor, with our physical address. Return address is (Name of subdivision) Neighborhood Association. No physical address, only the name of the town and zip.

I open it up. First sentence in the letter dated May 27th,
"Your neighbors are pleased to welcome your family to the neighborhood."
Oh, that is nice! The housewarming gifts are going to start pouring in. ;)

"To help ensure this Subdivision maintain a respected character, restrictions were placed on the lots prior to any being sold; however, it has come to our attention that some of the covenants are not being upheld at your residence."

:::Sound of a record screech:::

"In accordance to the rules it is requested that cars are neither parked on the street overnight nor  the yard. This presents an unpleasant curb view for anyone entering the neighborhood. See Article 5 of.....".

"As stated in the ___________ covenant rules there should be only one family living in each home. See Article 1...."

I start mentally making my plan:
1) There is NO neighborhood association, homeowner or otherwise. That was one of the attractions to this subdivision. We don't need, want or desire some big shot to tell us we can't have a pink and purple outbuilding with orange polka dots. (Not that I want that, I just like having the option.)
2)We are HomeOWNERS. Not renters in an apartment complex. The name on the mortgage, yeah, that's ours. The name on the mailbox, oh wait, again... OURS!
3) Whoever this person/people are, are hiding behind a letter. That's not the way to talk to someone. If you have to write a letter, at least have the cajones to give a return name and address.
4)Where was this said "association" two weeks ago? You know, when we moved in? Had they given us the literature on the "expectations" of the neighborhood then at least my husband would have something to read in the crapper.
5) And the biggest point of all.... THE LETTER IS DATED MAY 27.We didn't move in until...wait for it...June 1.
Some neighborhood association. They don't even realize all the cars that were here that weekend was the SELLER MOVING. Hey "association" people, maybe take a look around, the SOLD sign in the yard should have tipped you off!
I waited until around 6 and called one of my neighbors across the street. There were a few reasons why I picked this particular neighbor:
1) If she knew about an association, she would tell me.
2) If it was her behind it, we can get this over quickly.
3) If it wasn't her, she would spread the word through her little circle, who I have come to know as the "gossips" and it would end there.
I get her on the phone and ask her if she knows of the asscociation and who I could get into contact with. She tells me there is none and, why do I ask?
I give her a brief description of the letter. She just busts out laughing, saying that is the craziest thing she has ever heard. We chit-chat a few more minutes and I sort of let her know that I don't like the letter, even though it has nothing to do with me, and "I wished the author would come over." Needless to say, she said that I had nothing to worry about, and it looks like I already nipped that problem in the bud (still don't understand why she said that). She also mentioned that she had heard that when this subdivison was first built, there was some sort of stipulation that the houses and driveways had to face the street they are address. Mine is the only one in the neighbor that faces the cross street.
Leave it to me! I knew I loved this house the best. I have to be different...I like to see them complain about THAT one.

While I obviously can't fake letter my husband to get my way  encourage proper care and feeding of our home, I could probably send one to the other people in the 'hood that bug me with various and sundry items in their yards. Like my across-the-street neighbor.

I'd start his letter with," ...in the interest in keeping a family-friendly atmosphere, we discourage removal of clothing while attending to your yard chores..."

Unless my neighbor was Jake Gyllenhaal, Ben Affleck, Ryan Gosling, or even Justin Timberlake. Removal of clothes would be appreciated and even encouraged.  I'd even overlook  leaving the grass clippings in the street.

Do you have a Homeowners Association? Would you fake one like Jen Lancaster in order to clean things up? Spill the dirt, people. But neatly. 



*With the dream of a white picket fence comes a lot of bleach and repainting every other year. In other words, be careful what you wish for.


**And no, I am not posting pictures of my nasty house.

Further Proof That I'm Not An Irrational Person

Or Reason #4432 Living in the South Isn't Always Fun and Games


Yesterday was about 96 degrees. At the cooler part of the day.

And "cooler" as described by the meteorologists this morning since we are under a heat advisory.

Again.

Anyway, the grass needed to be mowed. And being that it was so chilly out this weekend, I thought Darrin and I would knock it out.

Important note here: I don't mow. I don't pull weeds. I don't clean/organize the garage. Everything beyond the back door to the garage is considered Manland. The menfolk take care of these chores. I used to mow before the boys were promoted, but it is thought that I was the reason that our mowers break down. Whatever. Telling me that I don't have to mow anymore is like telling me I have $100 to spend at Goodwill. No tears will be shed, I can assure you.

So, Big Daddy was working a double yesterday; one of three this week. He has no days off and don't forget that the temperature is going to spike. Heat advisory! Nicholas wasn't feeling well yesterday. He has an allergy/summer cold thing going on. I stepped up and bribed asked nicely for Darrin to help me.

He complained it was too hot. I assured him it was cool outside.

We finally get started. I am weedwackin' around the front flower bed. I hit the gutter and a swarm of angry wasps coming flying out. I am afraid that they will sting me, and I'll have to go to the hospital. (Allergic to bees AND Benedryl).

Darrin gets a nosebleed (not unusual), but he is hot and it won't stop. I worry that I'll have to take him to the hospital if it doesn't quit soon. It finally did after about twenty minutes.

Darrin shakes a bush and another swarm of wasps come flying out. I have to get spray and battle them so we can retrieve the running mower he left. Previous fear comes back.

I am pulling these weeds neglected dead flowers in a back flower bed. Being that it is cool, I fear unearthing or disturbing a sleeping snake. Further, this ticked off snake will bite me, and I'll have to go to the hospital.

We barely finished alive, I tell ya*.

All that cool air and sunshine must have gotten to me because by 8:30 I was in bed with a book. By 8:31, I was asleep.

I woke up later and thought it was just 10:00. Then I heard a couple of noises. I wasn't sure what it was, but I figured whatever was going to happen would and chose to stay upstairs in bed. You know, to protect the young-ins and all.

Not too much longer, Big Daddy came upstairs. It was closer to 11:00. I was awake(ish) and gave him a sleepy, "Hi."

He gives me a kiss and says, "I just got a snake in the driveway." (Source of the noise I heard.)

Suddenly, I was wide awake.

Apparently, he was pulling up in the driveway and a three or twelve foot snake was behind my car and HEADING TOWARD THE GARAGE.

If that wasn't enough, he says, "I'm not surprised. You leave the garage door open all the time."

Yes, I am sure that nasty serpent has been watching our house for the LAST FOUR YEARS and decided to make his move last night. It's all my fault.

Long story short (ha):

• He has seen snakes in the yard. ::shivers::
  
• He doesn't know why he hasn't told me. (Um, I think we all know the answer to that.)
• I will make sure I have a day's supply of beverages in the inside fridge before he leaves so that I don't have to go in the garage.
• I will not be opening the garage door except to bring in groceries. I will be carrying a hoe and wearing boots.
  
• *I don't usually have repeating thoughts of having to go to the hospital. Be it me or my children.
  
• I have and always will have a fear of coming across a snake.
• The first time he flung the snake out of the drive, IT CAME BACK.
• The second time he flung the snake into our neighbor's yard.
• Please note he didn't KILL the snake.
  
• You know the snake will be back. For revenge.
  

Be careful for what you ask for

We have this awesome screen door that we got for free dollars and zero cents when my parents moved from their other house. It didn't have screen in it but my husband being a closet hoarder had some left over from a previous project.

This screen door is so that we can have the interior garage door open, and if the big garage door is open as well assuming that he doesn't have his crap spread all over worse than the toy section at Goodwill, then we get a nice cross wind with the dining room windows. Which, by the way, was the reason for putting this door in, and the fact my parents were giving one away was just a bonus. We come into the house through the garage so it opens and closes more than Tiger Woods' fly. And has had just as much wear and tear as...well, you know what I mean.

After muchbegging nagging asking nicely, he finally took the door down yesterday to re-screen it.

I mean, the 17 pound cat could jump through the hole, folks.

Wouldn't you know, the trim he took off broke, and the ONLY supply he didn't have to make the repair was, you guessed it, the trim.

Makes me wonder why we have so much screening, though.

I was running out to do some errands, so he sent me to Lowe's with a piece of the trim and a WHITE nail. With explicit instructions to BUY ONLY WHITE NAILS. NO LONGER. NO SHORTER. NOT WITH A WIDE HEAD. NOT WITH A PIN HEAD. NOT WITH A BOX. NOT WITH A FOX. BUY ONLY WHITE NAILS. oh, and two sections of quarter round.

I asked a few questions about the quarter round. Mostly about the length and was he sure that was enough. As a matter of fact, I probably said quarter round about fourteen times before I left.

Care to venture a guess on what I bought at Lowe's?
a. Two sections of quarter round.
b. White Nails.
c. Both a and b.
d. Neither a or b.

What was Big Daddy's response upon my return from Lowe's?
a. "Thank you, Darling. You saved me a trip out."
b. "You are such a caring, wonderful, and dare I say, 'Hot wife.' How did I get so lucky to have you?"
c. "You bought quarter round? Why did you buy that?"
d. "It's about time you got back. What's for supper?"

If you guessed c on both, you get an A.

And if you are better wife/partner than I am, you would have noticed that I wasn't supposed to buy quarter round. I was supposed to buy trim. That is why he sent me with a sample piece. When I questioned him on his use of the wording, "...two pieces of quarter round...," he said that he didn't mean quarter round and that was why he sent the sample piece.

After we left Lowe's to make the (much cheaper!) exchange I said, "I still don't understand."

He replies,"If I had sent you out with a Rt. 44 cup and asked you to get me a medium coke, you would have thought, 'Hmm. He gave me a Rt.44 cup. I bet he wants a bigger size. He didn't mean medium.'"

I looked at him like he was crazy and replied, "Nope. You would have gotten a medium. You get what you ask for."

Hopefully this will help him understand my whole, "Say what you mean, mean what you say."

'Cause my psychic abilities are expired.

(Don't tell the kids I said that. I totally know what they are doing.)

Insert witty and relevant title here

Many things on the agenda tonight:

1. The pantry/ laundry room is basically finished. The only thing it lacks is paint. Big Daddy built a new crate for the dogs, built in two drawers that were left over from a previous project, ect ect ect. The only thing is that right now it is all ghetto fabulous and needs paint. But apparently Lowe's has a policy that you must pay for things. Must be some crazy capitalist scheme. And no, there will no pictures for a while. At least until we can get it all painted. You'd think with the 927 cans in the garage, we could paint a 12x12 room and some exposed wood.

2. Today was registration day at school. President and I made survival kits to give to all the teachers and staff, and the students when the parents signed up for PTO. You can figure out what was inside the sack from what I wrote on the outside:

Here is you SURVIVAL kit:
A lollipop to help you lick your problems.
A sponge to soak up your knowledge.
A tootsie roll to help you roll with the punches.
An eraser so each day you can start with a clean slate.
A paper clip to hold everything together.
A pencil to write your wrongs.
A cotton ball for when you can hear yourself think.
Smarties...they are the seeds of learning.
And a star burst to remind you...YOU are the STAR!
Welcome back to school. We are happy you are here.

Speaking of, I made a blog for our PTO to keep the parents up to date with the goings on. So far it has been well recieved by those who know about it. I am sort of excited although no one knows its me, per se. Now if I could major in Farm Town/Facebook, I'd be set.

3. I noticed after I did the last entry, I only had five items. If that doesn't prove that I preoccupied with WAY too many things, I don't know what would.

4. One teacher is only taking the first four weeks off of school. At first, I was supposed to get it. Cha-ching! We get a raise and now solid work? Yes, please! However, due to some technical issue, another substitute got it because she has her license.

You all might as well be warned now; when I graduate and get my license, you will be so tired of hearing about it, I am sure you'll quit reading. That piece of paper apparently is magical and is the key that unlocks the universe.

Meeting ajourned.

You'd think I'd learn

Mistake #1- I didn't want the dogs' crate in the dining room (not enough room) or in the garage (let's not go there), so I put it in the laundry room.

Mistake #2- I told Big Daddy I wanted to move some cabinets in the laundry room to better utilize the space.

Mistake #3- Not realizing that it could not be as simple as moving a couple of cabinets.

Mistake #4- Wanting to re-do in the first place.

Mistake #5- Forgetting that the camera batteries are dead and now the whole wide world can't see the mess we've created just as school is going to start.

If only I were a man

I am completely overwhelmed.

(This could get ugly. Consider yourself warned.)

Sunday everything was fine. Big Daddy was off. I woke up and felt a little off and told him so. I noticed his stature change, mostly to keep me happy I am sure. We spent the whole day working on a couple of projects. It was a nice day.

Monday I woke up determined to get many things done. The housework had fallen behind. It was laundry day. The tables from Sunday needed more paint. I needed to paint a dresser. The dogs need a bath. You know, the usual stuff.

Except....

I decided to expand my farm on FarmTown. Then proceeded to plant raspberries which need to be harvested after two hours. The first harvest went well and I replanted.

Then....

My cell phone rings. It is the PTO president. I didn't get to the phone in time. Read: I let voice mail get it. After listening to her message, I stop what I am doing to research applying for our tax-exempt status the last three PTO boards failed to do.

There are many documents we need that are not in our possession.

We don't know where said documents are.

The Vice President called the school secretary and demanded the school's tax-exempt number. I find this out when I called the school secretary to see about the aforementioned documents.

School starts next Wednesday. The first full day is August 3rd.

Big Daddy is on vacation again starting Sunday.

Last night around 10pm, I asked Big Daddy to come upstairs and talk to me. We lay down and I say, "I am completely overwhelmed. I can't handle all of this. I am stressed out and school hasn't even started yet, let alone the college classes. I really need some help."

His response?

"Just make a list. Prioritize."


Of course. Why didn't I think of that?

It's not the beach, but it'll do

I woke up this morning and was thinking about writing. I wondered why I don't have these deep and thoughtful entries on the wonder of my children, the beauty of our marriage, and anything else that would fall under the category of "warm fuzzies" and linked by millions of other mommy-bloggers: If you read nothing else this week, read this!

Does anyone else wake-up and have an immediate sense of self-doubt?

Big Daddy and I have been busy this week, but it has actually been enjoyable. We are getting ready for a yard sale and have a TON of stuff. We have gotten the garage cleaned up in the meantime, and save for a couple of minor drawers, I have the entire house organized. Of course, if you came and rang the bell this second, you'd think I was a liar.

Being I tend to be an overachiever, I decided while I was "cleaning" to finish a project that I have been working on for about, oh, two years. And that project turned into another project....you see where I am going. I'll have some photos soon.

I have also ran into a kink on the book and have written a whole page and a half in the last week. At this rate, I should be done by menopause.

Big Daddy found out on Tuesday that he has been transferred to another store. That store is father away. We knew it was a real possibility, but we anticipated him being back at the store that is in our town. He is bummed, as this means the end of his Weenie Wagon Weekends, but we are reminding each other of the obvious; he still has a job at the same pay.

Then, last but not least, I may or may not be addicted to a certain social networking site. Furthermore, I can neither confirm or deny that within that site there is a particular game that necessitates constant tending and harvesting with receiving and sending gifts.

Or so I hear.



That's my summer thusfar. How is yours?

Maybe if I had a reality TV show

Remember when I used to complain about my OCD tendancies? Or more accurately my husband's complaints?

Well, apparently I am cured.

Two weeks ago, we made some new bedroom assignments. Actually, we just moved Darrin out of the room he shared with Nicholas. Darrin moved into my "office." That meant that something around 4,000 books had to be moved out of that closet. To make a long, boring story shorter, one mess moved into one room, morphed into twice its size and ooozed into another and so on and so forth. In the process of splitting the boys up, that meant the toys had to be divvied up, so I also took that opportunity to get rid of the broken toys and gather outgrown/unwanted toys for the yard sale we've planned.

I like to take this moment to address the sheer mass of things those two boys have. I am not sure where they got it. It must be all "Toy Story" up in there while we are sleeping. Scooby Doo is my main suspect. He must have impregnated Anikan Skywalker... Hey, if a man can have a baby or two, why not?

Ok, so the point of that incredibly long paragraph of little clarity is that had I actually HAD OCD things wouldn't have gotten out of hand to begin with. And the more closets/cabinets/drawers I go through, the worse I feel. Plus, there is the whole issue of dust and dirty handprints that I hadn't noticed until lately.


It's been overwhelming. Now I feel as if I have led you astray with my cleaning prowess that I never possessed.

This must be what Kate Gosselin should feel like.

In other news, I am having a little contest. My Facebook friends know this already...I am looking for a cute name for a coffee shop. The winner will be a character in the book (not necessarily at the coffee shop).

Here are some suggestions thus far:

Carpe Coffee
Cool Beans
How Ya Bean?
Jitter Bean
Vibrations
The Grind
Spill the Beans
Coffee Paradise
A Whole Latte Love
Villiage Cup

I will pick the winner on Friday and announce it here and Facebook.


[Insert catchy and hilarious ending here]

And now, a word from our sponsors

The way our house is situated, we don't get any significant shade in the yard until the late evening. This makes car washing a difficult task. Because our driveway is in full sun all day, my dad recommended Mr. Clean AutoDry Carwash.

I bought it about a year ago.

I really like a clean car, but I don't like the fuss and muss of getting stuff out. I am the one you see at the Kroger car wash. If times are tight or if the car is extra dirty, I'll do it myself at one of those pull-up places.

Big Daddy was so sweet and requested that I wash my car ( a Malibu) so he can take it tonight when he carpools with some other managers to another store.

Let's not even get started why he can't take his Ford Explorer.

So, after some searching for the Mr. Clean AutoDry CarWash that I had bought a year ago and hadn't ever used but found it because BD had opened it and apparently it is too hard to put things that belong together on one shelf then finding it but it had goop all over it and then couldn't find the box for the directions which is weird because he keeps all boxes--big and small--then having to get the one hose we own off the spigot in the front yard even though I have been saying forever we need another hose for the back spigot after we drag it around the house we can not get the sprayer off oh and did I mention I was going to vaccum and clean the inside first but couldn't because he took our extension cords with him to the store for the weenie wagon and then I cursed inside my head for about ten minutes then sent him a text message saying that butt kissing had better happen as soon as he got home then cried because I was tired because I had only slept about an hour all together the night before......


Now, if I was going to be perfectly honest, the car was quite dirty. The last time it had gotten "washed" was about a month ago at the Kroger and even then it didn't do that great of a job. It is hot and buggy here right now. So the car was actually dirty, not just some mud swiped like they'd do in an infomerical.

We sprayed and started washing. In a couple of places it took some elbow grease, but in all seriousness, the gunk came off LIKE A DREAM. So smooth, quick, and easy. I am not kidding. And I couldn't believe how quickly and nicely the car dried on its own. I will be purchasing more soap and another filter- it's that good. I don't think my car has been this clean since we bought it new.

It's an '04.



Now, if Mr.Clean can get me a product that would help my husband with his lack of organizational skills, I'll go to work for them.

Home Improvements, 3.0

The fence is done.

Sort of.

After tripling the budget, a gross miscalulation of time, humidity that hovered around 99%, and ten (10!) gallons of paint, almost all of the fence recieved its needed two coats of paint.

But, another couple of gallons will get it, no problem. October may be a better time to think about that.

I am sure you would LOVE some photographic proof that we completed the task, but as per usual, the camera batteries are dead. It would have been crazy to upload the pictures as I took them, right?

Those with an eye for detail would notice I did not mention the deck. As I was painting one day, I couldn't image it white anymore. The rocking chairs are white, the table and chairs are white, and the house is a light grey color. It just seemed to be too much. So, that project has been postponed as well. Hopefully, I can get it done in time for BooMama's carnival. :)

So, what's new with you?

Home Improvements, part 2.9

It is 8:35, CST right now. I am bone tired.

I took several pictures today so I could give you a glimpse of what we're doing. But between the tiredness, laziness, and the fact I have trouble with pictures, the chance is better for tomorrow.

Save for the gates and about ten feet, the first coat of paint is on. After just under five gallons of paint, we have to go into town tomorrow and purchase another from LOWE'S.

We also decided to see how it goes tomorrow; the deck may not get painted. I am really wanting to do something special with it, but I just can't make up my mind. It would be FAB-U-LOUS.

We finally sat down at the table to eat dinner at 8:05, and the rain started again. Haven't seen a drop in about three weeks, and now it has rained twice in one day.

Amazing.

The end is near...

Home Improvement for the sake of blogging

One of the benefits of having summers off, and let's not forget, the two week breaks every nine weeks, is that there is more time for blogging.

One of the drawbacks of having summers off and two weeks every nine weeks, is that I have nothing to blog about.

Seriously.

During this time, my days are so routine and well, dull, that there isn't much humor in this:

"...so today I got up. And had coffee. While Regis and Kelly was on, I almost got choked because I totally knew the trivia question. I mean, how could that lady miss it? I didn't even see the show yesterday and I knew the answer. Later, I had to run the vacuum. Then the mail came..."

Exciting life, huh?

I have done a couple of major projects this summer and wished after the fact that I had the foresight to photograph the process. There were even some funny stories that accompany each one. At least I am learning.


When we bought this house in '06, the first thing we both said was that we should paint our pickett fence white. FINALLY, we are able to do it. Yesterday, I was taking some before shots. Big Daddy was power washing one section and asked me why.

I said, "For my blog, of course."

The fact it isn't quite going how we had envisioned is going to make for some interesting stories.

To be continued...