Check On It, Repeatedly

While I don't talk about it openly, it's not a secret that I struggle with my weight. But I think some mothers do have hard time losing those last twenty or thirty pounds after having a baby.

What I didn't know was that nineteen years would pass, and I'd still be carrying it.

After years of fanning myself with the bathroom scale, I hit my all time non-pregnant high a couple of years ago and stayed mostly steady. Since I wasn't working outside the house, I didn't try hard enough to get healthy. Yoga stretch pants and loose shirts became my standard uniform. I lost all confidence because everything I put on looked horrible.

About the time I decided to get serious, using the MyFitnessPal app, I dropped a couple of pounds and gained a new job. A job that required business attire. And hose. And dress shoes.

Being plus and petite does not make for a good time at the mall. Add in a modest budget that doesn't allow for off-the-rack purchasing, and you'll understand my pain. I managed to put together a halfway decent wardrobe, but I still didn't feel confident in my appearance.

Photo Credit: Google Images

Thankfully, I've dropped just over twenty pounds, and while I feel better physically, clothes are fitting nicer. I feel myself becoming more confident and not wanting to hide beneath draping, unattractive layers.

My current favorite pants are a charcoal grey, cotton, and have a neat but slight sheen to them. They just feel good on. I bought them months prior, even though they didn't fit well, as a goal for myself. Plus they were marked down 75 percent, making them less than ten bucks. I even hemmed them. Myself.

I wore them a couple of weeks ago then I washed them. I agonized whether I should dry them.  They are 98 percent cotton (and oh-so-soft). On the other hand, cotton clothes are a pain-in-the----- to iron out the hung-dry wrinkles.

Convenience won over practicality.

Knowing I was taking a chance on shrinkage, and we are six-days post Thanksgiving, I worried they wouldn't fit today.

They did. With extra room to spare.

(Thank you MyFitnessPal and lack of snacks.)

 I was oh-so-sassy today with my fancy charcoal pants, black cowl-neck sweater, black heels. Hair, despite having been freshly washed, laid perfectly. Cute grey and black dangle earrings completed the ensemble.

I stopped in Target before heading to work. Walked all the way to the back of the store - electronics - then over to peruse the books before leaving. I sashayed my way to the front, feeling slim(mer) and confident. About twenty, maybe forty feet before a checkout lane I noticed a woman just staring at me. I smiled. She continued to stare, not returning the gesture.

 At the end of the main aisle, just before I turned, she finally quit looking my direction, and continued on with her business.

Inside the car, I grabbed the seat belt, and that's when I felt it.

My pants were unzipped.

I suddenly imaged her having a conversation with her friend over coffee:

" You are going to love this. You know that dark-haired chick at the bank? The short one? I don't think she's been there long. Well, I saw her today at Target. Girl was all 'click,click,click' in her noisy little shoes like she owned the place. The whole time her pants are gaping open at the zipper with each step. 'Help me, help me.' I was cracking up. Honestly, how does one forget to zip her pants?" 


My mortification over my discovery lasted about as long as it took for me to post a status on Facebook and get a Diet Coke at Sonic. Within ten minutes, I was at work, sassy and confident.

But the security department probably had a good time watching our cameras today since I probably checked my zipper once or thirty times.

Just in case.



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How Hot Is It?

I am not sure if you've heard, but it's hot. Like crank-up-the-AC-and-worry-bout-the-light-bill-later hot.

On our local news channel's Facebook page, they asked for some "It's so hot..." metaphors. I thought these were pretty funny. But don’t laugh too hard. You don’t want to get overheated (Please note: The following may have been edited for grammatical errors.)

"It's so hot
...you can start a fire by rubbing two Girl Scouts together."  
...the trees start looking for shade."
...the ice in the ice maker keeps turning to water."
...the devil says, 'Nice day huh?'"
...I saw a mosquito carrying a canteen!”
...worms are begging people to go fishing."|
...the thermometer reads TO BE CONTINUED"
...chickens lay hard boiled eggs."|
...the grass screams in pain when you water."
...the potatoes cook underground. All you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper."

 Here are some I found on Yuksrus.com:

It's so hot|
...the cows are giving evaporated milk.
...the trees are whistlin' for dogs.
...the birds have to pick up the worms with potholders.
...Scientists recently detected beads of sweat on the Statue of Liberty.
...Campbell Soup has changed the directions on its cans to: "Just pour and eat."

How hot is it at your house?

Photo credits: Google images

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Converstations in the Car

Darrin and I are sitting in the car after school. We are having our weekly alone time while Nicholas has his marimba lesson.

He is quiet for a while and then he asks, "Did the groundhog see his shadow?"

"Nope."

"So, what does that mean?"

"I think it means six more weeks until Spring."

Pause.

"What if he did see his shadow?"

"Then we'd have six more weeks of winter."

"Oh."

Long, thoughtful pause.

"Okay. What's the point? It's the same."

I had to laugh. Then have my own long thoughtful pause.

My ten-year-old analyzed something that took me until my mid-twenties to realize.



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You Say Potato, I Say "Oh that reminds me..."

Day 3: "What funny thing happened yesterday?"


Okay. It has been a couple of low-key days around here. Laughs have been limited. However, something was kind of funny on Thursday...

Big Daddy and I are driving in the car. I mentioned to him that I thought the baked potatoes we had for supper the night before were especially delicious.

Yes. We are deep like that. Who needs politics, current events, and the economic status of the country when there are more pressing matters to discuss?

Other topics may include:

• Who's cocaine was in Paris Hilton's pants?
• Will Bachelorette Ali and her man stay together?
• How does Kate Gosselin claim to raise her children herself, alone, while she is on a press tour and mentions they are in school?
• Is Snookie really a Lindsey Lohan Wanna-be?
• What's for dinner tonight?

Look for my ebook, Married Couples: How to Keep The Flame Alive When The Kids Are Gone, to come out this winter on Amazon.

He agreed that they were good. I said that I had got them at Publix. One thing I don't like about Publix is that they only carry baking potatoes. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about ten pounds of baking pototoes. Especially when there's other methods of preparation other than baking.

I know right about now you are wishing you were a fly in the car listening to this riveting conversation.

Anyway, I don't remember how the conversation went to a trip to the store a few weeks prior and we were looking at potatoes. He takes this moment to inform me that Idaho potatoes are russet potatoes.

I'm all, "What? How are they the same?"

He says, "Russet potatoes grown in Idaho are the only ones that can be referred to as Idaho potatoes. The rest are simply russet."

I reply with, "Then why is it that when I said in the produce department, 'I don't want russet potatoes. I don't like them. I only want Idaho,' you didn't say anything."

"Um. I didn't hear you?"

"Well, good lord. No wonder that woman looked at me like I was crazy. Thanks a lot."

"You'd think someone that worked in the produce department would know the difference."

From there we went on a wild goose chase of conversation, as most of our deep meaningful conversation tends to do.


You know. Now that I think about it. It's not that funny.


But what is funny, is my $60 CSN gift card giveaway. Someone has to win. It might as well be you. Go! Enter!

I am woman. Hear me roar. ::cough cough sputter choke::

Day 2 of Sara's Challenge asks:

"What do you feel are your biggest strengths?"

Okay, thinking back to the weaknesses, it's easier to think of negative things than positive. Wonder why that is? Must not be a strength....

1. I am faithful to a fault.
   
2. I am very open-minded. Even if something you think or do isn't something I would necessarily agree with, I will support you. I like to hear/think/research both sides of any subject. I want to understand where folks are coming from. Does that make sense?
3. I am detail-oriented. When it comes to other people that is. Most of time, I miss the blatant mistakes I make myself. (Big Daddy says this may be a weakness. He doesn't like my detailness*)
4. I will drop everything to help someone. Unless it costs money. But I can't help that because I have none. But I will try my darnedest. Where there is a will, there is a way.
   
5. I can find humor in anything. I don't like things to get too serious so I will do anything to turn the situation around. Could be a case of avoidance issues, I don't know. In any event, let's not talk about it.
   
6. I am determined. And if you tell me I can't do something? Well, you had better step aside. The square peg won't go into round hole? Hide and watch me. Unless you are trying to use reverse psychology on me. You don't want to be on the receiving end of that....
7. I recognize my flaws. Even if I don't want to talk about them.
8. I am an EOF. Equal Opportunity Friend. I don't care about your financial status, gender, orientation, religious affiliation, college team of choice, professional team of choice, marital status, views on education, political orientation, or child bearing status. Some restrictions do apply, however. Contact our friendly customer service personnel for more details.
   

Hmmm..I am not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.




(*And yes, I am making that word up. Feel free to borrow.)


Don't forget to enter the $60 CSN gift card giveaway. You can enter once every day!

Getting Tunafied at Miss Walker's

Day 30- One last moment

I guess it's time to wrap this challenge up. Although, I really don't wanna. Even though I have managed to spread it out over two months, I liked the comfort of knowing I "had something to talk about" on those days that all I may have done was make coffee.

Oh, I kid. I would never have the luxury of only making coffee. The dogs have to go outside. And someone has to change the channels on the TV.

At any rate, I have procrastinated on posting this simply because I didn't know what to write about.

And then it just happened.

Last night , Nicholas and I were talking about music. He has taken a sudden interest in my iPod. All he wants to do is listen to music.

::heart swells with pride::

He is talking about the songs he would want if he had his own music player because, "yours doesn't have anything good on it."

::pop::

Let the record show that I have about 497 songs LOADED on there. If one can't find something good to listen to on my iPod, there's nothing I can do.

He does like the song, "Roses" by OutKast. We are singing, and he says, "You need a golden calculator tunafied...."

After I stopped laughing about an hour later, I showed him the video and told him that the only thing one could do with a golden calculator was to divide.

Apparently, not really knowing the lyrics runs in the family....

For the last twenty plus years, I have been singing, "On a one-winged dove" instead of "a white-winged dove" to "Edge of Seventeen" by Stevie Nicks. (Hello. Still best song EVER.)

Even when I would be singing that song, quite loudly I am sure, I always wondered how it soared. What with its one wing and all.

But the award for alternate lyrics goes to Big Daddy.

We are looking up some songs by the group, "Kentucky Headhunters." They are playing at a festival he is going to be at next month and neither of us recognized the name.

I find an album and click on a song I thought sounded familiar, "Dumas Walker."

The sample starts to play, and we both say, "OOOH!" at the same time. However, our ohs had different meanings.

Mine was for recognition.

His was because of the lyrics. They sing, "Let's all go down to Dumas Walker's."

He thought they sang, "Let's all go down and do Miss Walker."

This was three days ago. As soon as I stop laughing, I need to ask him what he thought the next line was...

"We'll get a slawburger, fries, and a bottle of ski.."


So there you have it. One last moment, thankfully, full of laughs.

Here's to many, many more....

And now, a word from the sponsors

I am clipping coupons this morning.

Coming across an ad/coupon set for KY Mine and Yours, went to set it down, (NO WAY I'd buy it now...) and I noticed there was something on the back I had missed.

It was an ad/coupon for Gatorade.

I'll give you a minute to contemplate that.....


Good?

So, what are your thoughts? Marketing genius, inside joke at the Red Plum office, or coincidental placement?

Either way, it got my attention.

TXT ABBRS CN GT U LST

We went to Lowe's last night to look at fans.

I have a question about this. Used to be, stores had their display fans plugged in so folks to get a feel (pun intended) of how they worked. At one time, I never laid much value on that...I always bought the cheapest fan in the style I was looking for. However, the times oh-how-they've-changed because not all fans are created equal. (You probably already knew that.)

I learned that at Big Lots where they have their display fans plugged in.

So, back to Lowe's. We are looking for a pedestal fan. I get frustrated because, a) nothing is plugged in, and b) someone was doing some serious crop dusting, leaving me in the wake.

Without fail, all three of the men folks need to head to the rear of the store. What do they have in there anyway? The ladies room has nothing exciting to offer, so I don't feel the need to visit at every trip.

And while I am wondering things, why would a home improvement store, that carries all manner of plumbing have clogged and/or broken toilets and sinks?

I really hate standing around the entrance to the restrooms. It makes me feel like a stalker. So I tend to meander around the cabinetry and pretend that my kitchen could ever be that beautiful.

Nicholas made it out first, and we were not that far away. You know how those displays kind of maze around. Probably about ten minutes into waiting impatiently wandering aimlessly trying not to look like a stalker or shoplifter dreaming of a white kitchen, I get a message on my cell.

When I opened my phone, it said it was from Big Daddy. It read, "Marco."

Obviously, I typed back, "Polo."

Wouldn't you know that he responded with, "Marco?"

I kid you not. Texting "Marco Polo" must be the new game at the pool.

Anyway, I am standing in front of the bathrooms thinking we just keep missing each other in the rat maze without cheese of cabinet displays.

I am waiting for a few minutes to see if he responds or walks by. This guy walks up and says, "Ma'am (oh my. I am a ma'am. ::cringe::) Can I help you find something?"

I reply, "Um. I am only looking for my husband."

He sort of chuckles and starts to walk away, turns back and says, "I can have him paged."

I hold up my phone and answer, "No. We are texting 'Marco Polo'. I'll find him."

If I was the nuttiest thing he had encountered that night, I am sure that little factoid was tweeted.

Finally, I got tired of waiting and answering yet another employee that, "No thank you. I don't need any help," that I texted BD.

"We by broom."

And we waited.

And waited.

And...

I get another text, "We up front."

(Don't you love our proper grammar in our texts?)

Nicholas and I start to make our way up front. I can't really figure out how or why he is up there. But, one thought did occur to me....

"I thought you said you were by the brooms?"

I busted out laughing. "No. I said 'broom' as in 'bathroom'. Why would I be by the brooms?"

The moral of the story is, texting abbreviations can get you lost. Or not where you are supposed to be. Or frustrated by your other half. Or a funny blog post.

Converstation with the Magic 8 Ball

You know how this works. Here is my insightful session:

Will Nicholas get a girlfriend this year?
-Very doubtful

Will Darrin get a girlfriend this year?
-Signs point to yes

Will Mommy lose 80 pounds?
-Cannot predict now

Will Daddy grow hair?
-My sources say no
(I think this right here proves the ball to be a very reliable source.)

Will Darrin be really tall?
-Ask again later.

Will Mommy ever get a book published?
-Cannot predict now.

Well, I think that was clearly a waste of time.

Flip it and reverse it

Today, I was at Big Daddy's place of employment. He begged guilted paid me to come in and make flyers and signage for this weekend.

(He has taken on a festival. Will talk more on that at a later date. I hope.)

So, I have him come in and read this little tidbit I wrote. There were words such as "commitment," "correspond," "proceeds," included. He makes a joke about "dumbing" things down so that the general public will understand. I laughed but assured him those were fine and even Nicholas knew what they were. (He is in fifth grade.)

Apparently a customer had come up to the register and among her purchases was a box of Gain detergent. After the cashier rang it up, Ms. Customer stated that the soap should have rang Buy One, Get One. The cashier was confused and went down the aisle to check. The customer was behind her and pointed out the tag:

All Detergent, Buy One Get One.

All, as in A-L-L the brand, not the entire aisle of soaps.


You know, now that I think about it, I can't really blame her for at least trying.

A couple of years ago, Big Daddy's grocery manager gave a customer eight 2-liters of Pepsi Why, you ask?

The tag read, Pepsi Free.

(Think about that.)

They're out there...

I believe the children are our future

Yesterday we were at a neighboring high school for Jessica's soccer scrimmage.

We happened to set up camp next to the "concession stand." Of course, I should mention that calling the set-up a "stand" is a bit generous as a box of granola bars, a box of Austin cheese crackers, and a cooler of Gatorade and waters does not necessarily constitute a competitive edge in the concession industry.

But, I digress.

A second table was set up and two girls were asked to separate a box of t-shirts into stacks of 10. After some time, I heard one of the girls say, "Ok. We have 20 stacks of 10. Oh my gosh, we have counted 2,000 shirts!"

I busted out laughing.


I couldn't hear anything after that because I just kept laughing. Big Daddy may have been embarrassed.

Someone figured out the faux pas of the math wizard, told her that she should have 200, and decided to do a recount. She said, "Ok. You had 200, but I have taken 7 away so now you have 190."

These are our future bankers, congresspeople, and fast food restaurant managers, folks.

The only thing that made me feel like we have a chance in the future is when I retold the incident to Jessica. I stopped after "2,000" and acted like it was no big deal to get her true reaction.

She busted out laughing. "2,000??"

(My heart almost burst out of my chest.)

There may be hope for us after all.

Classical? He wishes...

I have a music test this afternoon, so I am sitting here doing some review.

I popped a listening CD to play while I look over my notes.

Windows Media Player thinks I am playing a Bucky Covington CD.

(As if.)

The music playing is correct. For example, right now Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik is playing. However, the media player says it's Hometown.

Mozart is probably turning over in his grave right now.

You had to know this was coming

Pulled due to technical errors. Our apologies.

To be continued....

For sale: False Hope

This post from one of my favorite funny men reminded me....

(If you are easily offended, maybe don't click on the link.)

A while back my friend Courtney had posted about some great furniture she'd found on Craiglist. Of course, we don't live in the same state, and sadly, I have not had the same luck she has had.

Anyway, by looking around in Craigslist, I was reminded about Freecycle. I ended up finding a group in my town, so I signed up to get the email alerts. After a long time, I finally came across something I was interested in so I emailed back.

My husband was skeptical, but I assured him that I would;
1) Never go alone to pick something up and,
2) Never post something to give away.

I call the woman and make all the arrangements. To make a long story short, when we got there it wasn't quite how she had described it. But I could see the potential. As I am thinking of how I will redo it, the husbands are loading the truck, and my mouth spits out the words, "Wow. It is so pretty. I am really excited."

The look on my husband's face is priceless. He is loading up this broke-down dresser, and I am gushing like it is a handmade Amish heirloom. Even the other husband looked at me and said, "So, I assume you are going to refinish this."

Apparently I have a problem in this area. Big Daddy says I give people false hope.

For example, we were looking at houses, and had arrived at a house that was listed well below our range. Once we arrived it was apparent that they misrepresented what they actually had for sale.

I traipsed over dirty underwear, around tables with ashtrays brimming with cigarette butts, dishes overflowing the kitchen sink...I mean this house was nasty. And it was a mobile home. Not that I am above living in a mobile home, mind you, but I certainly would not list it as a two story, three bedroom, two bath.

But as the owner, who happened to be present, gave me the tour of her estate, I complimented this, that, and the other.

This was about four years ago and Big Daddy had yet to let me forget it.

And no, we did NOT purchase that home.

The point of all this is that I won't respond to Craigslist or Freescycle ads anymore. Some of them also give false hope.

Even in the personals.

This ain't her first rodeo

'Ello, 'ello.

How is everyone?

You'd think with the lack of entries I was so caught up in all things exciting, that I couldn't possibly take the time to write about it.

Oh, how I wish that were the case. Mostly I read, wrote (excluding my own blog, obviously), and wondered how dressed I really needed to be. I did manage to get out into civilization on Saturday with some grocery shopping and getting my hair cut.

The excitement is palpable, isn't it?

Today was the first day back to school for the chil'rens. I am covering for a teacher that will be out the whole week. They were very well behaved and all things had gone as expected.

Fourth grade has recess at 2:15. I am standing at the door, and I can hear two boys discussing whether they should take the football outside. One (who I have been watching like a hawk all day) says, "We'll just take it--she'll never know."

The other says,"No. Mrs. Regular Teacher said we couldn't for the rest of the year!"

So the first boy pipes up and says, "Hey, Mrs. C? Isn't OK if we take the football out. Mrs. R lets us."

I am looking over a piece of paper, and I never looked up. "Nah. You know what? I heard a rumor that some one got in trouble and it's better if we just don't take them out."

The one that is determined to get me says, "BUT she said for the rest of the year. And that was 2008 and now it's 2009."

I looked in his sweet face and said, "You know she meant school year."

"Pssht. Man." He looks defeated but is smiling.

Four footballs get returned to the container and the second boy says, "See. I told you."

I think things will be just fine this week.

Laughing is easier than crying

Interesting day today...

I made a guest appearance (read:substitute taught) in fourth grade. This particular teacher and I have a special relationship so I usually get her room.

We had a great day. I had to chuckle when I did the check for homework in math. This little girl comes up to me and says, "I don't have my homework because I didn't have time to finish it in class. Then I had _____ practice last night and it was family night, so I didn't get it done.

I say, "No problem. You can finish it up a recess."

"BUT," ::looks at me so sweetly:: "I can finish it this weekend?"

"Um. No. Mrs. B will be looking for it. It won't take you long."

She gave me the "Hmm. I thought I had you fooled" look before she sat down.

This ain't my first rodeo kids.

This evening I worked the other job. I have to say, I am starting to come to grips with things. I have been having some interesting calls. Here are the top three for tonight:

1) Script comes up for med!cal equipment. He gives me his zip code and when I start talking he says to talk slow because he is going to translate in Spanish for his wife. Being I am being recorded, I comply. Only my spidey senses pick up something strange. Now, I am not fluent by any stretch, but he wasn't quite translating what I was saying. Needless to say, his calling was serving another purpose. He also didn't mind letting me know he was *ahem* done with me. I am sure he took a nap right after he hung up.

::shudders again::

2) After I read my opening, I asked the caller for the zip code. He gives me the city and state. So I ask him for the numerical postal code. HE. PUTS. ME. ON. HOLD. I am all, "What in the---" He is breathing heavy, and I am thinking this guy better NOT be doing..... He gives me the number, but he seems uncertain. Then I very slowly explain that the call IS BEING RECORDED. (I mean seriously, two in one night?!?) Next I ask him for his first name. He gives me his whole name. I get the first one OK, but I ask him to spell his last name. Hand to heart,I am not making this up-- he puts me on hold. I hear a drawer opening. He spells it one letter at a time. This is what I have on my screen:

MACAROUBY

So I spell it back. He says it is wrong and spells it again. Slowly, mind you.

MACBRUJBT

Long story short, I tell him that I am having a problem with my phone and could he say his name again. I finally get it but it is nothing like what he was spelling.

I was afraid that he is trying to fraud someone. Turns out he has no credit card anyway, and so the call was over.

(whew)

Biggest laugh of the night
3. I am capturing the information correctly, there isn't any problems. She is sweet as pie. When we get to her address she gives me the number, "**** diamond, like the ring, street....."

I busted out laughing. That was hilarious.

What made you laugh today?

The winds of change

Overheard in computer lab just minutes ago:

"...Ok. Bye. Text me."

I may or may not been have shot a dirty look when I giggled out loud.

Who would have thought?

Things that have been said today:

To my husband: "Here Honey, here are your hose and Lee Nails."

To Darrin: "Come here. I have your skirt ready. Let's try it on."

-and-

"Here. Wear Mommy's shoes. They will fit."

A week from now, these phrases will be wrong.

Just wrong....

Perhaps he'll really be president someday...

This morning, the boys were getting ready to with Big Daddy. Darrin brings me his Webkins dog (Shep) and says, "Here. Please keep Doggy safe."

"Oh, you need me to babysit? Ok, but I charge $10 an hour."

"That's ok. You don't need to pay me."

Rama-lama-ding dongdongdongdongdong...

Yesterday, Big Daddy was off work. The kids are out of school. So we started working on getting our Halloween decoratin' on. We *heart* Halloween.

I wanted to run to the next town over and hit up the Goodwill. Since today was the first Saturday of the month, and they'd be having the "everything 50 percent off sale", I thought they'd have a good bit of holiday stuff out. Of the four stores closest to us, this particular one is my favorite but the one I visit the least.

Man did they have the spread -it's a shame I wasn't in the mood to shop for Christmas.

Anyway, since we were there, I thought I'd also stop in Cato. If you have one of these stores near you, I suggest you shop there. If you don't, I will send my sympathies. They are my FAVORITE shop. We don't have a Cato here in my town, so I make a special trip just to shop in this store.
[If Cato would like to hit a sister up with a gift card, I'd be happy to do more advertising...]

When I walked in the door, the doorbell dinged as per usual. Just one ding--

About four circles around the clearance rack later, I hear two of the ladies talking about the aforementioned doorbell. A customer had left earlier and the bell didn't go off. One of the two talking had went to make sure it was working, and it dinged as normal. So, they are telling this third employee how [the customer] was so skinny that she probably walked around the beams. The third lady says, "Oh. I KNOW I would have tripped it."

I finish my shopping (only two necklace/earring sets) and leave the store. As I start to walk out the door, the door bell starts going off like I was stealing the joint.

Maybe I am overly sensitive, but I was offended.